i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
