Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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