yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
