Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
