I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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