Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
