WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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