There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
