I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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