EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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