I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
