she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
