we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
