dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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