my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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