FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
