She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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