I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
