I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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