I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
