Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
