your parents love me but you hate me
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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