when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
