sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
