I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
