I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
