i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
3 2 1 whiskey
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
