He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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