Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize