Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
