Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
