He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
