If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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