At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wish there were birth control emojis
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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