fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
