would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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