True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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