I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Couch. On fire.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
