I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
