I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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