Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
