He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
