Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
This is my gift to your gina
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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