You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
