Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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