watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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