This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
