I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
