I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I supernannyed him into submission
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
