This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
