If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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