so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
