Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
