He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize