I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
