Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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