the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
