White coat. Heels.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
