I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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