tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
