listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
