Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
